10th April

Friday
Im in hospital and all my independence has disapeared i cant even go to the toilet on my own as in hospital you cant walk around with oxygen tubes ( health and safety ) so i am reliant on nurses to take me to toilet. I hate this. Elderly lady in the bed opposite extremely ill but still managed to have her beautiful red false nails on ( one missing so they can still take her oxygen levels )

Saturday
I need to get home . I am tired as i am not getting any sleep, they keep the lights on all night wake me up to give me a nebuliser and a few disturbences in the night with a couple of patients has made me feel very vunerable and scared. Register doctor has agreed i can go home if i REALLY want to but just to be careful. I got home and fell asleep i can really relax now.

Sunday

Stopped in bed till dinner time and then went in the living room for the rest of the day. Chest still very tight but better than earlier in the week. Friends came to visit me but everytime i talked i started coughing and the strain is hurting my stomach muscles.

Monday
Stopped on the settee all day ,didnt get dressed as i hadnt the energy to put clothes on and i needed to feel comfortable. Today is the first day i have addmitted to myself that im starting to dread waking up in the morning and feeling the way i do. I have really had enough now , i cant do anything and anything i do try and do is such an effort and i just end up crying. Writing this down in the diary is a release in a way and i can put down in writing what i dont want to say out loud.

Tuesday

Friend came round and tidyed up for me and kept me entertained . Abi has been laid off work and is desperately looking for another job. I need to motivate my self i have 2 assignments to complete by the end of May for my Cert ed qualification and i cant fall at the last hurdle.

Wednesday

My brother arrived from newcastle with his beautiful daughter this has cheered me up tremendously . The nurse from the hospital has phoned and told me to keep my chin up . The saying is for a translplant is you need to be well enough for the transplant but poorly enough to need it. I have reached the point when im practically begging now .

Thursday
My friend is hopefully coming today wth her new baby who i havent seen yet. Im scared that i wonthave the energy to hold him as i am very week now and my muscles have deteriorated. The physio has phoned and they are going to visit me to see if they can help in any way .