7th August- The past few days

Helen Miller Diary
Saturday
The past few days have been a bit of a blur .I’ve had the most awful bout of a stomach virus( compilabacta ) . The doctor came Friday morning (from what I can remember) took a sample and gave me some anti biotics immediately to see if it would help. I took a box of Imodium over the course of the virus and it didn’t touch me. When you find it difficult breathing, walking and manoeuvring try and deal with rushing to the toilet as well. God it’s bloody awful. I’m afraid all my dignity went this week mum had to help me with everything!
I think today is a move in the right direction as I did ask for scrambled egg at about 5 which I ate, regretted after but it did taste nice.
Sunday
Woke up twice in the night with cramps and feeling sick, the oxygen had fell off my nose and was wrapped around my neck, I get in a state when this happens as I get all flustered. I unravelled the tube and made it to the toilet. Image if you can walking everywhere with a garden hose attached to your nose (obviously smaller though) everywhere you go you have to make sure that you don’t get the tube stuck under doors, you try not to get kinks in the tube but everyday there are umpteen kinks in the tubes which the fairies must have knotted together in the night. You are permanently attached to a machine and can’t go anywhere without thinking of the logistics of will the tube make it to the settee at the opposite end of the room.
I have tried to eat again today but can’t manage it yet the stomach cramps are quite bad.
Abi has been to see me today as I kept telling her that txt messages don’t really amount to actually physically seeing me. John told them both to call me and the response was ‘we keep texting mum ‘– that’s kids for you.
I’m glad that I’ve been at mums with the latest bout of illness as I couldn’t have managed this at home ,I admit I have been too ill for John and the kids to look after me, I did need 24/7 help.
Monday
I woke up twice in the night, things on my mind, why do they escalate when you are trying to sleep. After finally dropping off I slept until 11. I was woken by dads ever so quite footsteps round the house – why do they sound so loud (now that’s a question). Had copious amounts of tea and played on the new game we’ve got a ds lite. I have the brain age of 68! That’s good!
Washed and dressed first time since Thursday so that’s an improvement. I still feel queasy but I have settled down and can now eat which is a great relief to all as I can not afford to loose and weight. I have read some e mails from my friends on the list all wondering if I’ve gone in as they haven’t heard from me but alas no I’m here I’ve told them all. I’m going to the run on Saturday night and the transplant bus on Saturday in Sheffield if I feel ok so that will be nice to see everyone.
I feel more relaxed than I have done in months. I finally think my tablets have kicked in, my breathing has stabilised and I am able to concentrate more. I’m also able to apologise to everyone whom I shouted and screamed at over the past few months. I made a few peoples lives unbearable and this I apologise for. I believe I had a breakdown and I am finally coming out of it. I think I hit rock bottom and there wasn’t anywhere else I could have gone apart from the unthinkable which although I think of sometimes I wouldn’t do!
I am starting to look forward with hope. That’s the only thing I have left. What have you got if not that.
5.00 the GP has just phoned and told me that I have Compila bacta!!! It’s a good job that they gave me tablets on Friday as it could led to major problems. They usually wait for samples to come back before prescribing those tablets but due to my situation they didn’t want to leave anything to chance ( Thank God they didn’t )

Tuesday
As usual for me on Tuesdays Janet cleans and I talk to her . She had already taken the ironing the night before so we can spend more time chatting then. We put the world to rights. I had ordered the shopping to be delivered for between 12 and 2 so Jan could put it away for me. When 2 approached I said there really late today I hope the orders oks. I looked on my order on the internet and realised that I had booked it for Wednesday I could have sworn I had done it for Tuesday. She cooked tea for me whilst I sat on the kitchen floor trying to clean the floor and the cupboard doors. I tried to sleep at night but i couldn’t settle and my breathing was quite tight so I ended sitting up in bed watching a film till 1.00am and then reading .
Wednesday
Didn’t sleep well last night again but got up early (9.00 ) and thought that if I stopped up all day I might sleep at night. Shopping was delivered !
I made tea with Johns help and I enjoyed it.
I talked to ( well mailed ) my transplant friends. One of whom is a gentleman who saw me on look north and contacted me saying he had his lungs 16 years ago. He has now mailed me on many occasions telling me of his operation his ups and downs. I have loved this mails and long may they continue.
Thursday
The local paper have been again to do a follow up article on me . I told them about the second false alarm and the web site I am writing www.helen-miller.co.uk.
Went to Worksop for a couple of hours but my breathing was quite shallow so I didn’t want to stop long.
Stomach still really iffy but coping .
Sue came round in the evening for a chat and watch tv. Pretty normal uneventful day really. Had another nose bleed. They are progressively getting worse at the moment. The oxygen dries and burns my nose hence nose bleeds.
Friday