The pain is so raw I don't want to be here

HELEN'S DIARY:

Published Date: 04 November 2008
HELEN Miller, from South Anston, is waiting for a lung transplant and is keeping a weekly diary to support The Star's Gift of Life campaign.
FRIDAY
I have been extremely ill, was in bed and couldn't move. I was struggling to breathe, my body ached. I took my painkillers and diazepam to try and calm me but they didn't touch the surface. I really thought at one point that I couldn't cope a
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ny more. I don't have this feeling very often but there are times when the pain and helplessness are so raw that I don't want to be here any more. I didn't even have the strength to cry. The hardest thing when you start to feel better is looking at your family and seeing their faces and the despair they have gone through.

SATURDAY
I made John, mum and dad carry me to the car and take me to mum's.
John had not slept for two days and was so upset he just didn't know what to do. The kids couldn't cope and were really upset. Then I started crying because I didn't want to leave John and the kids. You always need your mum, and my daughter needs me and I can't be there for her at the moment and it's killing me.
SUNDAY
I started to feel a little better but very weak as I had not eaten since Thursday. I managed Weetabix. In the afternoon I had a bath.

MONDAY
THIS is the first time I've been well enough to go on the computer and read the papers.

TUESDAY
I slept through the night – this is so unusual for me. I managed to bathe and get back in my pyjamas by 3pm today so things are looking up.

WEDNESDAY
UP at 11am today and washed by 2pm so getting better. I wish now dad had taken photos of me at my worst so I could show you all. Every picture I have is when I'm really trying hard to look well.

THURSDAY
I never know if what I am suffering is due to that or something else. I feel like I'm living in hell at the moment. I am positive but just weaker.