Tuesday 15th and Wednesday 16th July 2008

Tuesday
I was still wide awake this morning at 3.15. I can’t sleep. I have never experiences sleep deprivation like this before. I think I finally drifted to sleep at 4.00 only to sleep fitfully and wake up at 8.00. I got up.
I sat in the living room and a thought just clicked in my head. All the symptoms I have been having over the past 2 weeks must be down to the fact that I’ve changed my anti depressants. Dry mouth, Insomnia, being Manic (ask John, I even threw a drink as him and said I was leaving. I thought I was going mad. I’ve phoned the doctors and they are giving me a phone consultation tomorrow.


Wednesday
3.40 am and I’m still wide awake. I’ve just watched a film ‘Son of Sam’!!!!!! This hasn’t helped me drift off to sleep.
7.30 am I’m up now to find the kids in bad moods (They are not morning people)
Johns at His Aunt Edna’s Funeral today, Mum and Dad are still unwell and I’ve just had another panic attack. Its only 10.46 now.
Doctor phoned they are putting me on different anti depressants. I feel as if my world is closing in around me, whether it’s the situation I’m in or the medication but it feels like I am having a breakdown. I’m crying, arguing, feeling aggressive, hating, everything all rolled into one. I feel extremely vulnerable at the moment. I just don’t know which way to turn as no matter what anyone says they are all in the wrong ( as far as I’m concerned ) I feel that everyone is lying ( as far as I’m concerned ) . Mum , Dad and John I know are all trying to help me in their own way but as I’m sitting here I’m absolutely sobbing.
20.53 Had 3 panic attacks today due to an immense amount of external and un-necessary behaviour from certain people ( not family- I hasten to add ) . I have just taken 2 painkillers as my body is acheing all over ( connective tissue dissorder ) it hasn't eased yet. Im dreading getting un-dressed and getting into bed as i desperatley need sleep. The thought of being awake all night is not a nice thought to have at the moment.