Sunday 27th April 2008

Last night I thought i was seconds from Dying . It started about 5 when i couldn't get my breath . I was taking very short and shallow breaths. Think how little and soft a baby breathes well that it how quite and shallow i was breathing. I managed to walk to the dining room about 10 yd and still i felt peculiar ( more than usual )
Daniel ( son ) helped me upstairs when all of a sudden i couldn't get my breath. My body started to burn and felt like some sort of prickly heat. I was trying to regulate my breathing by trying desperately to do the exercises that i have been shown in the event of a panic attack. But nothing was working. After about 2 or 3 minutes ( felt like 30 )i managed to lift my foot and stamp twice on the floor with what little energy i had and luckily John heard and sent Dan up to see i I was OK. All i could mutter to Dan was Ambulance and spray. He screamed for John who immediately called my mum first then the ambulance ) by this stage think all the colour had drained from me and i thought my body was packing up. All i thought was I didn't want to die like this , i wanted to die in my sleep not to be utterly petrified and scared and alone.
I kept thinking if everything would just go dark or i would feel a warm glow or something but no , all i felt was utter panic and desperation .Within minutes ( i think ) mum and dad appeared and took over. Leaning over a chair and mum constantly rubbing back for about 40 minutes and with the appearance of the paramedics everything calmed down after about 1 hour. My oxygen levels were fine but my pulse rate was 140+ and this was afterwards ( i dread to think what it was like at the peek of it )
I gradually came round and at about 11 i was helped into bed and given wet cloths to wipe my face.
Everyone left me alone ( at my request ) but i just couldn't get to sleep. I was scared it was going to happen again, my breathing was still shallow and the constant use of the Ventolin spray didn't seem to be doing much. I must have drifted in and out of a sleep like state and woke at 7 to hear john down stairs cleaning ( obviously not slept either ) . I drifted back to sleep and woke again at 11. Feeling absolutely petrified i decided that i would try to get downstairs and into the living room ,knowing that that was the last time i would be allowed and able to go up stairs until if and when I have the transplant.
Today's been a funny sort of day. Lat night I was adamant that I wanted to go to my mums and stop and today i vehemently want to stop here. The dining room has been made in to a make shift bedroom but i hate it. I have cried on and off all day at the thought that last night could have been my last.
I don't know what happened last night, whether it was my lungs, heart, panic, seizure but i live to see another day.